CONFESS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE............................

" Raja next time you come here you will have to attend my marriage" she said, "No , I wont come" I replied , "Why?, why wouldnt you come for my marriage", silence prevailed , we looked at each other, it was a full moon night, she looked gorgeous in the full moon lit night ,we were sittng on the terrace stairs, her beautiful eyes were demanding some answer which would hint my affection and love towards her , until now I hadn't proposed her, I knew it was just a matter of time and I will propose her but I never thought I would do it this way, I said "I wont come to your marriage , because I can't see any one snatching you away from me". She never asked me the reason again .Message was clear enough to convey my love , my desire to be with her forever. I had indirectly proposed her.
She was beautiful like a princess, fair, had long hair down till her knees, well I am not describing any fairy out here , she was my cousin SHAZIA , the girl whom I adored since my childhood , the girl whom i wished to marry and spend the rest of my life, she was the girl of my dreams.
Since childhood I had developed felings for this pretty girl, whenever I used to go to her place I always wanted her to be around me , talk to me , eat with me ................. play with me .................. and many more things, if ever she wanted to go out with her friends I would always oppose. Her nature was altogether opposite to what my nature is , she was shy , never expressed herself , she was very beautiful , not that I am very ugly looking but if you pair both of us , you will easily say that I am luckier than her. I never felt that she ever loved me or had similar feelings for me because she never wanted to be with me , she never wanted to do all the things with me which I wanted to do with her. I always thought it was a one sided stuff and I will never ever express myself.
I wasnt sure if I had done correct by proposing her indirectly, but it all happened unplanned. I was there at her place to attend her sister's wedding back in May 2000. We arrived 20 days before the marriage. All the relatives and guests were yet to arrive so I was lucky to spend time with her. One afternoon she was busy doing her daily household chores and I was glued to the TV , a song from the movie Hum Aapke Hain Kaun "Pehla Pehla pyar hai............" ,if you have ever heard, was going on and I was humming it along , after the song got over SHAZIA came down to me and said "your reactions while humming the song looked as if you are really in love" , I was taken aback , because I was humming the song with her picutre in my mind. Before I could react she went away smiling mysteriously. First hint.
The very next day I was reading news paper and she was sitting beside me , I was least interested in the newspapers and was stealing glances towards her, while doing so I noticed something scribbled on her left hand, it was some number , it was 143 written and a name was written along side but then it was not so clear, the name was scratched. I knew 143 was the code for I LOVE YOU , but then I was eager to know whose name was written before scratching it. I asked her politely "What is this written on your hand?" , "Just a number" she said , I again asked her "Why 143 , why not some other number?" , she replied " Why are you so much bothered about it?, do your own work" . She was testing my patience , I was anxious to know whose name was it? infact I was getting jealous, she had read it through my behaviour. This was ubearable for me , I roughly pulled her hand and twisted it and asked her rudely "Tell me who is this rascal?" she didnt utter a word and went away , leaving me with a feeling of jealousy and anger.The whole day I got pangs of jealousy. We didnt talk to each other the whole day. That was me , my possesive nature towards her which made me act in such a manner. Later on I apologised for my behaviour , I politely asked her about the name , she just replied " YOU ARE A BIG RASCAL" . I didnt realise at that point of time that she had answered my question and she had hinted me something which I always longed for. I again asked her "Please tell me who is this guy?" , she just murmurred something in frustration and left. I had got the second hint , but was unaware that the rascal whom I was cursing was myself.
During the marriage day she was looking gorgeous. I thought she had dressed herself to kill me, she was in dark maroon outfit , I thought of proposing her then n there , but then thoughts just remained thoughts nothing more. I still remember an incident during the ceremony when the groom's brother was trying to click her snaps and was trying to be friendly with her , this was too much for me , I knew if I behave rudely at this point of time then things might turn bitter , so I decided to block his views whenever he attempted to click her snaps, even SHAZIA noticed this and smiled at my behavior. Whenever he came forward to talk to SHAZIA , I intervened and took her aside, poor fellow , he must be cursing me so much , had he focussed on some other girl I would have gone one step ahead to help him , but it was SHAZIA, wrong target dude , I thought. Anyway during the whole ceremony I never gave him a chance even to come closer to SHAZIA , later on she did ask me the reason , I just said "I did what my heart said ", she had read my heart.
Days passed by, I got many hints from her but I failed to pick any of them. My return journey date was coming closer , it was just 2 days left for me to leave , I was still cursing the guy whose name was scribbled on her hand. Amongst all this we got time to sit together on a full moon night on the terrace stairs when she told me "Raja next time you come here you will have to attend my marriage......................."(read the first paragraph of the blog)
Then came the final day of my stay at her place , she was already gloomy , so was I , we had already sensed the feelings in our heart for each other, still none of us proposed each other, both of us were waiting for each other , being a guy I should have done it already but even after all this I didnt have the courage to speak it out to her. My train was in the evening , everyone was coming to see me off at the station , might be some 15-20 relatives including her had come , luckily for me the train was 40 minutes late. Meanwhile I was asked to fill cold water in the bottle , I took a few steps towards the tap , then I turned back and looked at her , she got the message , I was asking her to accompany me , since the tap was at some distance from where everyone was waiting on the platform , so that I can spend some last moments with her. She walked beside me, after walking a few steps we were not visible to our relatives, she took my hand in her hand, we didnt talk , just kept on walking towards the tap. While filling the water she just didnt leave my hand. All of a sudden she said "Raja, when you get into the train , open your bag and look at what I have gifted you" , I was already anticipating some development in our untold , un-expressed Love story. I didnt ask her what the gift was, it was mutual understanding between us. But a thought ran through my mind , if she has initiated then I should also express myself now. After filling the water bottle we returned to the place where everyone was sitting, I went to her father and asked him for a piece of paper and a pen, he gave it to me without questioning me about it ( I guess I should get bravery award for such an act , isnt it?) , I immediately wrote down 143 on it and folded the piece of paper. The train had still not arrived , 15 minutes were remaining, I thought 15 minutes to propose , get her forever or lose her forever. I walked down to where she was standing , took her hand in my hands and passed the piece of paper onto her palm, she also was anticipating it , she accepted it and tried to open it up. I said" Not now , please read it when I board the train , and do reciprocate on the phone". I wasnt feeling like leaving her , I just cursed myself for missing all those opportunities , it was too late , it was time for me to leave her ..................... maybe forever. I had now realised that the name which she had written on her hand was none other than mine, I was the RASCAL whom she referred. Amongst all these thoughts I heard the whistle of the engine as it passed in front of us. My heart was reluctant to go , I wished some miracle could stop me from going , but miracles on happen in Hindi Movies , not in real life. I boarded the train , she had tears in her eyes and I too felt like weeping, I dont remember if I ever waved my hand to my other relatives except her. Sooner the train left the platform , I realised that she was going away from me , maybe forever.
As sson as the train gathered momentum , I opened my bag to find a beautiful diary inside which she had written "143 Raja, do you?", my heart screamed at the top of its voice "YES I DO". I was the happiest person in the world after reading the message.
But destiny had other plans for me , since the day we proposed each other we never met . Till today I havent met her , infact during these long gap of 6 years many things happened , eventually I had to sacrifice my love for her due to my parents. They never accepted my love for her , though relations between both the families still prevails but I have already gulped down the bitter truth that I will never ever get her. She is to get married soon ,and again the same question has popped my mind , which she asked me a few years ago "Will you attend my marriage?" , and still my answer to her is "NO ,NEVER". Infact I dont want to meet her ever in my life.
Still I have hopes that some miracle happens and we get each other forever. It was too late to propose her , too late , infact I lost her forever after proposing her , so if you love anyone by heart please please please CONFESS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE............................